4+5+6/30

(tw for self harm/abuse, the past month has been really rough hence all the trauma and mental illness poetry, I'll move on eventually)

6/30

undoing last night’s 3 am relapse

put the two year ring on and keep it there

hold your hips like you love them

suck the blood back into the disappearing cracks

let the elevator take you down

like the sea if the sea

could not drown you

put it down

don’t pick it up

hold your gauzy whispers

what did I do what the fuck did I do

cry at two years of unbleeding

gone

dissipating like a flock of crows

cry

please cry

drown the red in saltwater

text your friends

shit

don’t keep going because

you never started

and this was never home

and you were never hurt so bad

you had to tear all of it apart

5/30

how do I live in this same body

with this same ghost

tiptoeing through me

screaming the unundoable

4/30

so let me tell you of the room,

the mattress in the corner,

the white walls

let me tell you of the men,

their beards and million fingers,

each of which loved me

or what they could take

tell you of the tripod,

standing like a cellphone tower,

telling no one

of the clothes,

his undershirt,

my red leotard,

the one with the strips

of rainbow gauze,

the bright morgue

the ceiling,

how I fell

up into it